The Adventures of Felix the Mouse and His Human
by 2lieutenant
Summary: Episodes through the eyes of Carter's mouse.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hogan's Heroes or profit from writing such stories.**

 _ **Chapter 1: The Informer**_

 _Gut Abend,_ folks. My name's Felix and I'm a mouse. Yeah, I know. Go ahead and have your laugh. Done? Okay good. My parents either had a sense of humor, or they were just really cruel. Maybe we could mix it together and say they had a cruel sense of humor. Yes, that's it. I'm satisfied with that explanation. Are you? Good, I'm glad. Now that we have that out of the way I'll get right down to business.

I live in a prisoner-of-war camp. It's called Stalag 13. It's run by a German colonel named Klink. Actually come to think of it, it's actually run by the senior POW officer. His name is Colonel Robert E. Hogan. Such a distinguished name, isn't it? I have no idea what the _E_ stands for. Maybe he did what my cousin, Karl, did. Karl just added the letter _S_ to his name. He said it was sophisticated. Anyways, back to where I live. It's an okay place. I live in Barracks 2 with my human, Carter. Carter is a swell guy. He feeds me all sorts of nice things he has in his pockets. He also makes sure none of the other guys do anything to me. I like the other guys.

Kinch is pretty nice to me. Sometimes, when Carter is gone on a mission, he'll hold me in his hand and talk to me. LeBeau puts up with me because of Carter. He did get the dogs to stop bothering me. Newkirk says he doesn't like me, but sometimes he'll sneak me a piece of cheese from the officers' mess. Colonel Hogan doesn't care one way or another. He just told Carter to make sure I didn't distract him while he was making his bombs. I was indignant. As if!

I like my human. I don't know if I'd still be alive if it weren't for Carter. I remember the first time I saw him.

* * *

I was running through the woods trying to escape the guard dogs. They were supposed to be chasing an escaped prisoner, but they like the prisoners. I hate those dogs. Sure, you might be thinking, "Dogs don't have any interest in mice." But I'll tell you, they double as cats in the wartime. Anyways, I was running away when I came upon one of the men from where I lived. Olsen, I think his name is. He was with another guy. Olsen took off his jacket and gave it to the other guy. He ran off and the dogs started barking. That was when I realized I had gotten so interested in Olsen, I'd forgotten about the dogs. I was trapped. I had nowhere to hide. So I did the next best thing. I scrambled up the new guy's pants and hopped into his pocket. I liked it there. It was warm and soft and it had a few crumbs of bread in them.

I had just fallen asleep when I was rudely awakened by the human; Carter, I learned was his name, who threw the jacket on the floor. I was none too happy. I crawled out of my nice warm bed to see what was going on. My newly adopted human was being fitted for a suit. At least, it was supposed to be a suit. It would have made a better blanket. Well, I learned my human was going to be leaving soon. I couldn't let that happen. I had adopted him. He was my human!

I was going to talk to him, but I couldn't because of some guy named Wagner. Turned out the guy was German. Everyone was busy, so I didn't get to talk to Carter until later, when everyone was sleeping. I scrambled up his pants and sat on his shoulder. He woke up and took me in his hand. He started to stroke my fur. That was when I realized I really had to make sure he didn't leave. I started squeaking to him, and he seemed to understand. He nodded and talked back to me. He told me about himself and his life. I learned he liked to blow things up. That sparked an idea in my mind.

I ran and grabbed a grenade from one of the guards. It was really heavy, so I had to ask a few of my cousins for help. We placed it in the radio room. Then I pulled the pin from the grenade. Now before you start lecturing and saying that was dangerous, it was a dud. You think I would risk my human's life? Of course not.

In the morning, the radioman, Kinch, found it. He shouted, "Live grenade!" So my human ran over and started to disarm it. That was when he found out it was a dud. He told them exactly what he told me. They were impressed. I was so proud of my human. I was sure he was going to stay.

It wasn't until after he had already left that the other men told Colonel Hogan about Carter. So Colonel Hogan asked for Carter back. He got his demolitions expert, and I got my human. And that is how I found my very own human. All my other siblings have humans. It was time I got one, too. I even took on his last name. I call myself Felix Carter. None one else had a last name. They were all very envious. Soon all the mice had last names. I was so proud that I started something. But I am even prouder of my human. He has become a vital part of Colonel Hogan's team.

Even with all his busyness, he still has time for me. He talks to me and strokes my fur. He also made me my own box. He lined it with yarn and even put some food in there for me. Just in case I want a snack. I love my human. That sounds weird to all my family, but I can't help it. My human is the best human any mouse could ask for.

Until next time -

Felix Carter

* * *

If you have any episodes you want Felix's take on, feel free to tell me!


	2. Chapter 2: Klink v The Gonculator

**This is for L. E. Wigman. Thanks for the idea!**

 **When I have more chapters, I'll start rearranging them in chronological order.**

 _ **Chapter 2: Klink V. The Gonculator**_

 _Guten Tag_ , folks. It's me again, Felix. How you all been? I can tell you, it's been quite a week for me.

I was down in the tunnels, just minding my own business, when a lady comes flying past. She almost stepped on me! Anyways, she told Colonel Hogan she wanted him to get her boyfriend out of Germany. At least, I think he was her boyfriend. He was a Major in the Luftwaffe, but was helping the Underground. She said the Gestapo was after him. Before that I was thinking, "Yeah sure, lady. Everyone wants to get out of Germany." Actually, not me. Wherever my human is, I am. At any rate, after I heard that, I was all for getting her boyfriend out of Germany. I don't like those Gestapo boys. Especially that Major Hochstetter. His dogs are always chasing after me. So when I heard that, I just knew Colonel Hogan was going to get him out. But then he said he didn't have a plan. I knew he'd come up with something. He always does.

Later, when I went up into the barracks, I found my human making a rabbit trap. Boy was that thing complicated! It looked like a big breadbox. But it seemed to work. My human is so clever! Then Schultz came in and they started to talk about something called a "gonculator." A gonculator? I thought it was supposed to be a rabbit trap. Then I realized it was all part of Colonel Hogan's plan. My human still looked confused so I had to give him a little nip to bring him back to reality. Now, now, now, don't give me that look. I didn't bite hard; just enough so he feels it, but not hard enough that it hurts too badly. Besides, he's used to it. I do it all the time. Especially when I'm warning him that one of his concoctions is going to explode. Honestly, I don't know what he would do without me.

Schulz thought the gonculator was something important, so I knew Colonel Hogan's plan was working. Didn't I tell you he'd come up with one? After Schultz had left, Colonel Hogan went to talk to Colonel Klink. He was trying to get Klink to bring that lady's boyfriend to Stalag 13. It didn't work. So he decided to use the rabbit trap as a way. He told Kinch to attach all the spare parts from the radio to the gonculator.

Now I'd never heard of a gonculator, so I asked my cousin who has a human in the Gestapo if he had heard of it. He said he couldn't find it in any of the books, but that everyone was talking about it. So I knew my human had come up with it. It was his invention.

Schultz and Klink ordered all of them to go to the motor pool, but I stayed behind. They found the gonculator. Colonel Klink wanted to show it to his boss, General Burkhalter. I didn't see what was so special about a fancy rabbit trap they named a gonculator, but Klink said it was very significant. Well, that's humans for you.

When General Burkhalter arrived, Klink showed it to him. The general was very interested in it, and told Colonel Klink to file report with the High Command. He also warned Klink to keep a close watch on Colonel Hogan. Klink had Schultz watch them through the barracks window. I don't know how they thought he was hiding. I could clearly see Schultz.

Finally Colonel Hogan said it was time and started talking about the "Lutz Diagram." That was his clever plan to get that lady's boyfriend here. Major Lutz is an expert in electronics, so Colonel Hogan made the Germans think Major Lutz knew all about the gonculator. The Germans really wanted to know what it was, so they got Major Lutz to camp. I knew Colonel Hogan would figure out a way!

They showed it to him, and Colonel Hogan discreetly told the major we were going to take him out of Germany. He understood and immediately went along with the plan. He asked Schultz to plug it in. When he did, it exploded. Boy, that scared me. One of the sparks hit me and my coat caught on fire. My human was too busy to help me, so I had to roll on the ground to extinguish it. I got my tail stepped on, too. All that smoke made it impossible to see. But the good news is the major made it down the tunnel and on his way to England. They put the uniform on the ground so it would look like he had died in the explosion.

Colonel Hogan asked Carter about repairing the rabbit trap. Carter said it was ruined, but he actually caught one. I knew he would. My human is very smart. Carter couldn't bear to make the rabbit into hasenpfeffer, so he let it go. The rabbit didn't want to leave, though. He scampered right back into the trap. Carter wanted to keep it as a pet, but Colonel Hogan said there was no such thing as one rabbit. I don't know what that means, but I'm happy we didn't keep it. I don't want to share my human with someone else.

Later, I ran up to Carter and he saw my singed coat and broken tail. He took me in his hand and stroked me while he talked. He said that Major Lutz had made it to England. He also told me that the woman had gotten engaged to the major. I was glad. They made a nice couple.

The rabbit didn't leave camp. She went and lived in one of the guard's barracks. Soon the whole barracks was filled with rabbits and Colonel Klink made the prisoners gather them and put them in the woods. But Foster wanted one, so he kept a male. He named it Hasenpfeffer. It only lived in the barracks for a few weeks before running off. I didn't really like the rabbit. He took all of my human's attention. I was very happy when it left.

That's all for now-

Felix Carter


	3. Chapter 3: The Well

**This is for Katbybee. Thank you for the suggestion!**

 _ **Chapter 3: The Well**_

I'm back! It's me, Felix Carter. How are you folks doing? You're doing well? Good, I'm glad. Why don't you sit back and relax while I tell you a story? It's true, too!

* * *

It had started off as a regular day. My human was down in the tunnels, feeding me some bread and cheese; when Newkirk came by.

"Colonel Hogan wants us," he said. He peered down at me. "You still talking to that mouse of yours?"

Carter beamed. "Yup! He likes it when I talk to him. He's lonely down here by himself."

Newkirk smiled. "Okay, Carter." He gently pushed him toward the ladder. "Let's go, mate."

Carter scooped me into his pocket along with some bread and cheese for me to snack on. He knows I get hungry during those meetings with the Colonel. He quickly followed Newkirk up the ladder.

I sat in his pocket happily munching on my breadcrumbs and cheese. I hardly ever pay attention while they're talking. I only listen to the part when Colonel Hogan tells Carter to prepare a bomb or some other explosive. I have to make sure my life insurance policy hasn't expired.

I was just relaxing in Carter's pocket when I heard Colonel Hogan say a Captain Ritter from German Intelligence was coming. My ears perked up immediately. That name sounded familiar. Of course! He is my great-aunt's human. She recently adopted him after her first human died. Why was he coming to Stalag 13? That's what Colonel Hogan wanted to know. He told Carter and LeBeau to go into Klink's office and clean it. LeBeau nodded, but my human says, "We already did that once, sir." I slapped my forehead (figuratively, of course).

"Clean it again, Carter." replied Colonel Hogan, "Hasn't anyone ever told you war is a dirty business?"

Boy is he right! I have to constantly remind Carter when to empty the stale crumbs from his pocket.

I went with Carter to clean. They didn't have much trouble convincing Schultz to let them clean it again. They did have trouble moving Schultz so they could get to the closet where they had a spying hole.

"Would you move your great bulk aside, sergeant?" asked Carter. Schultz moved, and LeBeau sneaked inside the closet. The colonel had a top-secret Luftwaffe codebook with him. He asked Klink to put it in his safe. Why do they call it top-secret? Of course it's top-secret! What else would it be? Non-secret?

Anyways, I knew Colonel Hogan would want that codebook. He would be able to get it easily too. Newkirk has broken into that safe many times. Captain Ritter would have been better off keeping it with him.

I was right, Colonel Hogan did want it.

"Just what London wants for Christmas," he said.

My human said he wanted a new pair of tires for his motorcycle back home. Funny, I thought he'd want some more explosives. But then he changed his mind and said he wish he were a civilian again. I sure hope his wish doesn't come true. What would happen to me? Who would feed me bread and cheese and stroke my fur?

Newkirk got the codebook. No trouble at all. But then he did such an idiotic thing as to throw it down the well. He said there was a special formation so he had to. That special formation happened to be just Klink announcing someone had stolen five silver spoons from the officers' mess. Newkirk was in no trouble at all. Though I'm pretty sure he was the one who took those spoons. I saw him while I was nibbling on some dropped cheese crumbs in the officers' mess.

Well, the codebook was down the well and they had to get it out. Carter suggested digging the well.

"Carter, go away. Help the Krauts find those spoons." LeBeau glared at him.

I was annoyed. No one talked to my human that way. I was about to pay LeBeau back for that comment, when Colonel Hogan said it was a good idea. My chest filled with pride. I told you my human has good ideas. Colonel Hogan said they were going to blow up the waterworks in Hammelburg.

Carter was ecstatic. "See guys, I did have an idea-blow up the waterworks in Hammelburg." He quickly realized that sounded crazy.

"Colonel, wait a minute. Don't listen to me. I don't always know what I'm saying." He's right, there. When I first met him, he thought I was a she. Boy did my parents laugh.

They did blow it up by throwing grenades at it. It made a loud boom and light up the night sky. The water shut off, and General Burkhalter ordered Klink to allow the prisoners to di the well. They got the codebook, but just as they were about to leave, Schultz made them line up so he could search them. Still looking for those missing spoons. Colonel Hogan had to dump it in the well again.

Later, he said Carter had to dive for it. That made me mad. Carter can't swim. He hates water. As soon as I heard that, I dove into the well. I tried getting the codebook with my teeth, but it was too heavy. I asked my cousins for help, but we mice hate water.

"Your human; your problem," they said.

I felt badly when I saw Carter lathering wax and gum on his skin to waterproof it. Then Newkirk had to come by and make fun of him. I really didn't like those guys right then. They sent him down that well none too gently. Do you know what a shock it is too be immersed in freezing water all at once? You get your breath knocked out of you. It was winter! I desperately wanted to give them a good nip.

Carter got the codebook and signaled to be pulled up. They started pulling him up, but had to let go of the rope and hide when a guard came. My human was freezing and having trouble breathing. When the guard had passed, they wheeled him back up. I sure hoped Carter would tell them off. Especially when they made those remarks about the Navy. Couldn't they see what state he was in? He was close to hypothermia. Okay, I'm just guessing, but they didn't treat him very nicely.

When Carter heard this, he threw off the blanket. "If you guys don't mind, I'll see myself home." And he stomped to the barracks. I cheered when I heard that. Those guys deserved it.

Newkirk made it up to him when he gave Carter that Iron Cross he filched from that general. It was his way of saying sorry. Carter forgave him, so I did too. But next time they do something like this, I will bite them. And hard.

Till next time-

Felix Carter

* * *

 ** _See my story An Iron Cross and the episode Colour The Luftwaffe Red._**


	4. Chapter 4: One In Every Crowd

**This one is for Terri Spencer who suggested this episode. I hope it's what you had in mind!**

 _ **Chapter 4: One In Every Crowd**_

Hello again, folks. Did you miss me? I'm back with another real life adventure. This sure was an exciting one.

* * *

I was sitting on the edge of Carter's bunk watching the poker game with him. The dealer, Williams, was cheating. I could tell, and so could Newkirk. He called him out on it and showed the rest of the men how Williams was dealing from the bottom of the stack. He had dealt himself a king and there was a king at the bottom of the cards.

"You're just ganging up on me because I'm winning," Williams said.

Newkirk got really mad and punched Williams. Williams threw his cards at Newkirk, and everything just escalated. Newkirk jumped over the table and knocked Williams to the floor. You know, Newkirk cheats at cards too. I wonder why no one is annoyed when he does it.

Anyways, Carter jumped down from the bunk and tried to hold Newkirk back from Williams. They were on the floor, and LeBeau was pulling Williams away from Newkirk. I tell you, it was quite a scene! Everyone quickly gathered around to see the fight. Hey, it's been a long war. They need something to entertain themselves with. Why not a good brawl?

Well, some really smart and wise thinking fellow, I don't know his name, went to get Colonel Hogan. You know, why hadn't they done that sooner? One thing I've learned in my one year on this earth; common sense is quite uncommon.

Okay, back to the set-to. Colonel Hogan came out of his office and ordered them to break it up.

"Newkirk caught him dealing off the bottom," LeBeau informed him.

"He's a liar," Williams shouted.

Colonel Hogan told him to take back the money he started with.

"Are you kidding? I won it, I keep it. You can't order me to give back my money."

"Look Williams." Colonel Hogan pointed to his neck. "I've had it right up to here with you. You've been thrown out of every barracks in camp."

Williams shrugged. "Can I help it if I'm popular?"

"I also know you've been stealing our Red Cross packages and selling them to the Krauts."

"Prove it...Sir." Williams sneered contemptuously.

"I will, at your court-martial."

I hope he does get court-martialed. I don't like him one bit. His stealing the Red Cross packages prevented me from getting a piece of my human's chocolate bar. I love chocolate. It melts in your mouth and is so smooth. Oh, do excuse my chatter. My family is constantly telling me to be quiet. If I get too much for you, just tell me to shut up. My feelings won't be hurt.

Colonel Hogan again ordered everyone to take back the money they started with. Williams wouldn't have any of that. He lunged toward the table and tried to grab his money. That made Newkirk really miffed. He grabbed Williams and they started pushing and shoving each other. The other prisoners quickly tried to pull them away from each other. In all the chaos and confusion, I saw Carter raise his hand to punch LeBeau.

"Carter, stop it!" LeBeau yelled over the ruckus.

Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on who you were, Klink and Schultz arrived. Everyone quickly started dancing with each other to cover up the fight. Gambling is against the rules. Newkirk and Williams were forced to be partners. They shoved each other around and glared the whole time. Jolly good fun, the whole bit was.

"At ease," Klink said.

Colonel Hogan stopped counting and said they were giving dancing lessons.

Klink told Schultz to put Colonel Hogan on report for allowing the lights to be on overtime.

"The next time, Colonel Hogan, that you give dancing lessons perhaps you would be kind enough to invite me?" Klink asked sarcastically.

"Oh fine, we'll have to get you a partner." Colonel Hogan turned to the men. "Any volunteers?"

LeBeau stepped forward and bowed. "May I have the honor of the next waltz, _Monsieur_ Kommandant." I laughed at that one. Klink can't dance to save his life. No one would consider dancing with Klink an honor.

The Kommandant put LeBeau on report, too. All of it was Williams' fault. If he hadn't cheated in the first place, none of that would have happened.

The next day, Williams asked Carter if he could buy Carter's flashlight. I was in Carter's pocket and I heard him tell Williams he'd give it to him for free. I never have understood that part of Carter. He never ever holds grudges. He also can't see other people's faults, no matter how bad they are. And I tell you, Williams was one bad apple.

Williams told Carter he was breaking out that night.

"Colonel Hogan gave the order: no escaping without permission. Now I remember the day he said that. I really-"

Williams waved that off. "Who cares what Hogan says."

Carter shrugged. "He knows the score and he's a pretty good guy."

"He's an officer," Williams scoffed.

"Well we all have our faults," refuted Carter.

"Look, are you gonna give me the flashlight or-" he broke off when he saw Colonel Hogan and Newkirk walk out of the barracks. He reached for the comb in his jacket and brushed it through his hair as he got up. Now if you ask me, that's just plain silly. His hair didn't need to be combed, and it was obvious he'd been talking to my human. Just plain silly, if you ask me. Which you didn't, but I'm always happy to give out advice. It's free, you know.

Carter told Colonel Hogan Williams was planning on escaping.

He wasn't worried. "Williams has been threatening to break out ever since he got here. But he always chickens out."

Later, Colonel Hogan received news from London. They had to blow up some anti-aircraft gun a German captain was taking to France. London was too busy. The gun was there because the captain had stopped at Stalag 13. He needed a new fuel pump. Carter suggested a "good old demolition pack with a short time fuse" would do the job of blowing it up. Colonel Hogan agreed and headed back up the ladder.

After he had left, I saw Williams appear from behind a wall dressed in a suit with a suitcase in his hands. I knew Colonel Hogan should have listened to Carter. My human knows what he's talking about most of the time. I contemplated following him, but decided I'd better check on Carter. The explosives he was making weren't too complicated, but you never can be too sure. I scurried quickly to his lab. I knew Williams didn't have a chance making it to London. He couldn't find his way out of a paper bag.

And I was right. Schultz found him in the woods. Schultz! Now I could see how Muller or maybe even Langenscheidt would have been slightly hard to get past, but Schultz? That should have been a piece of pie. That no good Williams was captured and Colonel Hogan tried to get him out of trouble. I wouldn't have bothered if I had been him. Williams didn't deserve it. And then he had the nerve to suggest Colonel Hogan had ratted on him.

I was listening with the others in Colonel Hogan's office. Williams was willing to sell them out for a price. When I heard that I wanted to gather as many of my relatives as possible and visit him in the cooler. We wouldn't do too much damage. Maybe a small nip here and there, nibble through his clothes, not too much harm. But I knew my human wouldn't like it, so I didn't.

Carter got the job of taking Williams his food. He listened in when Williams was giving Klink a "free sample" of the information he had. It was one of the assignments he had worked on. Carter reported this to Colonel Hogan.

Colonel Hogan told them to get a man named Felix to camp. They gave him a German uniform and papers. He was now Major Weber. They were going to use Williams as some sort of diversion to blow up that gun. Hey, I just realized, Felix has the same name as me! They got Klink away from camp and put this Major Weber in charge. Major Weber told Williams Berlin had agreed to his terms. He was to dictate every bit of information he had to Major Weber's secretary. Williams happily divulged everything. Afterwards, he was sent back to the cooler. Major Weber replaced all the information with fake intelligence. He then left with his secretary, leaving Schultz in charge.

Boy did Schultz have a ball! He sat back in the Kommandant's chair and smoked his cigars. That is, until Klink returned. Schultz gave him the fake information. It said a small armed factory in Hammelburg would be attacked that night. Klink immediately ordered every available man to assemble. Klink said they were to leave in fifteen minutes. The gun and Williams were left unguarded.

Colonel Hogan ordered Newkirk and LeBeau to blow up the cooler to make it look as if Williams had escaped. Carter had to set the charges five minutes after the cooler blew up.

LeBeau and Newkirk blew the cell door open. They grabbed Williams and brought him to Colonel Hogan.

"Welcome back, friend," Colonel Hogan said.

"Hogan, give me a break."

"You'll get what you deserve. A plane to fly out of here after the heats dies down. They're going to try you in England and you'd better pray that none of those judges have ever been POWs."

Why didn't they just blow him up with the cell? Save the cost of a trial and hanging. I know, that's not how they do it in their army. And I guess now that I think about it, I don't wish Williams dead. I just can't stand traitors. I know I'm German, but I don't like Hitler anymore than Churchill does.

They put Williams in the tunnel, and Carter came back from planting the bomb.

"All set, Colonel. Stand by. Five, four, three, two, one." It didn't go. Carter looked annoyed. "I said 'one.'" It blew right on cue.

The next morning, the German captain came back. He told Klink the Gestapo would be making a thorough investigation. That's when Colonel Hogan showed up to save Klink, as usual. He fed them this fabricated story of how Williams blew up his cell and the gun, but didn't make it away in time. Klink didn't believe it at first, but after the German captain pointed out Klink hadn't been there to guard the gun, he began to believe it.

"You know, Hogan, believe your theory about Williams is beginning to make sense to me."

Colonel Hogan nodded. "You know, Colonel, I had a feeling that it would."

So did I. Colonel Hogan could tell Klink the moon was made of green cheese and he would believe it.

They got Williams to London without any trouble. He was put on trial and found guilty of treason and other charges such as insubordination. He was sentenced to death, but unfortunately, managed to repeal and get life imprisonment instead. Tis a pity.

The Gestapo believed Klink's story. Especially when they saw Williams' singed jacket. The German captain wasn't so lucky. He was transferred to the Russian Front, where I presume he isn't skiing.

Well, that's all for now, folks.

 _Auf Weidersehen-_

Felix Carter

* * *

 _ **So far, I have written about an episode from seasons 1, 3, 4, and 5. Anyone have any suggestions for seasons 2 and 6?**_


	5. Chapter 5: The Meister Spy

**This is again for Terri Spencer. I still need a suggestion for Season 2. Anybody else have one?**

 _ **Chapter 5: The Meister Spy**_

 _Bonjour_ folks. It's me, Felix, and I'm back to tell you about another one of my harrowing experiences with my human. By the way, do you like my French? LeBeau taught me a little. I'm learning more and more every day. Simple phrases such as "how are you" and "how's the weather." I'm a quick study if I do say so myself.

* * *

It was a marvelously sunny day outside, and my human was doing the laundry. Say, have you ever noticed that my human is always doing the laundry? Why him? Kinch and Baker hardly ever do the laundry, LeBeau seldom, and Newkirk not if he can help it. I think Carter is permanently being disciplined for insubordination. That's what Colonel Hogan makes one of the other fellas do when they're disrespectful. Half the time Carter is outside, he is doing laundry. That's why he almost always wears gloves. The water wrinkles his hands and softens his callouses. He also made the soap himself. With lye and ash. It's so strong, it scars his hands and makes them really red and painful. He needs those gloves of his. Even in the summer. But he does take them off when he strokes my fur.

Anyways, we were doing the laundry when some new prisoners show up. That surprised me. I always know when new prisoners are coming. Even before Colonel Hogan knows. My cousins who have humans in the Gestapo tell me. Colonel Hogan was surprised. There hadn't been any air raids lately.

Schultz brought one of them to us. Turns out the prisoner, Lieutenant Miller, hadn't been shot down. The plane had lost power. When the prisoner had first arrived, I thought he might have been a plant. But he gave us Colonel Hogan's serial number and also the week's recognition code. He sure was as smart fellow. He didn't have to go through the routine checking. Instead, he bypassed that all by giving details about Colonel Hogan. He said he was with the 504th bomber group. That was Colonel Hogan's unit. He told us that a Major Martin had set the plane down safely. Called him a real hero. Major Martin was in Klink's office, so we went to listen in.

"Herr Mayerink? This is Hans Strasser."

The lieutenant started. He pointed to the coffeepot. "That's Major Martin."

The phone call in Klink's office continued. "That's right: Hans Strasser. I'm here at Stalag 13. I had to leave London. I have important information. Complete details of the next Allied offensive."

When he heard this, Colonel Hogan shook his head. "He's a hero alright but for the wrong team."

I wasn't too surprised to hear this. One of my cousins had told me the Gestapo had a plant in London. Now let me explain something. Even though my family is German, we don't like the Nazis. All my family who have humans in the Gestapo or Luftwaffe, don't like the Nazis. Their humans are those men and women who have been forced to work for the Nazis. Some of them are Underground agents, some of them are just people trying to survive. The humans who don't work for the Underground; I still get the information from their mice. We mice have our own Underground. It is very efficient. Why we knew about the "shot heard around the world" before anyone else did. Oh dear, I'm getting my wars mixed up again. Anyways, back to the lieutenant.

The lieutenant didn't take the news as calmly. He was about to rush into the Kommandant's office and let that spy have it. Colonel Hogan stopped him before he got too far. He said maybe they could do something about this. We continued to listen to Klink and Strasses. Strasser told Klink to get him a car. He asked Klink why he hadn't asked for any credentials. I snorted when I heard that. Colonel Hogan could convince Klink he was the Fuhrer's son. Klink said credentials were not necessary.

He waved a hand. "Ah, there's no need for it. As I told you, I knew the very minute you-"

Strasser ignored him and gave Klink Mayerink's private number anyways.

That's when Colonel Hogan and the lieutenant went to Klink's office. I listened in with LeBeau, while Baker, Carter and Newkirk intercepted a phone call Klink was going to make. At least, Colonel Hogan said Klink was going to make one.

I never quite understand how the Colonel always knows what Klink is going to do. I know Colonel Hogan manipulates Klink, that's not hard to figure out, but you would think Klink would see past him sometimes. Oh well, I guess it's better for the Allies and Colonel Hogan if he does not. Actually, it is probably good Klink doesn't see past the Colonel. If he suddenly grew wise to Colonel Hogan, we might have to knock him off. I wouldn't like to do that. Klink isn't too bad of guy. He just likes to act tough in front of the brass.

I think he's a little insecure. He didn't do too well in anything. He graduated at the bottom of his class. I got all this information fro one of my cousins. His human is General Burkhalter. His girlfriend's human is Hochstetter. Both of them hear lots of interesting tidbits about Klink. They are gossipy mice, so they like to tell me all the latest news. How he made colonel is a mystery to me. I think it was an accident. And those medals? Those were an accident, too. I think he tries his best to run this camp as fairly as possible. He acts the way he does because he doesn't want to seem weak in front of the higher-ups. I feel sorry for him, actually. Colonel Hogan can be rather cruel, in my opinion. He takes advantage of Klink and Hilda, now that I think of it. But that is another side altogether. All's fair in love and war they say. And besides, I have a suspicion Klink isn't as stupid as he thinks he is. He isn't too bad of a guy. I really do hope he can get a promotion and a wife. He deserves good one. And not General Burkhalter's sister.

Oh pardon me. Do excuse my nattering. I like to ramble. Well, back to the subject on hand. Colonel Hogan and the lieutenant barged into Klink's office.

"I must speak with you, Colonel," said the lieutenant, "I am Hans Strasser from German Intelligence." He went on to give all the information we had just heard from that phony American Major. Klink was very confused.

Colonel Hogan said something about the lieutenant using this story as an escape plan and it would never work because Klink was too far ahead of everyone else. He also said something about a fake phone number. That's when he lost me completely. But I think it was the way he planned on discrediting that Strasser.

"What about the phoney phone number bit?" Klink asked.

"We make up a number," replied Lieutenant Miller, "They said chances are no one would ever really call it."

"Who thinks up these things? He would have checked out that number like that." Hogan snapped his fingers for emphasis. he quickly herded the lieutenant out of Klink's office.

As soon as they had left, Klink immediately picked up the phone to call the number Strasser had given him. That was where Newkirk and Carter came in. Baker had tapped the phone call and Newkirk picked it up.

"Good evening, Schimmel's Bakery."

"Schimmel's Bakery?" Klink gasped.

"Who is this?" asked Newkirk, "Is that you-you no good Heine Belheim?"

"Is it for me, Papa?" asked Carter in his best impression of a girl.

"Never mind." Newkirk turned back to Klink. "You may not speak to Helga now; she is busy making strudel."

In the background, Carter started to whimper and cry. He got so into his character, he became too loud. Newkirk pushed him away. After the phone call had ended, Newkirk glared at Carter.

"What are you doing?" He didn't wait for Carter's explanation. "Oh shut up." I did not appreciate that comment. I thought my human did a magnificent job playing a lovesick girl. Better than Newkirk could have done. My mother always says, "Next time, do it yourself." Words Newkirk should live by, I think. I like Newkirk, after all, he brings me cheese; but he should be a little nicer to Carter. Sometimes Newkirk can be a little harsh.

Well, when Hans Strasser came out of Klink's quarters, Klink had him put into the cooler. I thought everything was all over. Colonel Hogan had managed to prevent information being passed to the Germans. What more could he want? A lot more, apparently. London was a bit shook up about the information Strasser had. Colonel Hogan said there was a spy high up in London giving the information to Strasser. They needed to figure out who. Colonel Hogan said he was going to the meeting Strasser was supposed to attend that night.

"Sounds rough. Glad I'm not going," said Carter. As soon as those words left his mouth, I groaned. I knew he had just involuntarily volunteered for something dangerous. I was right, of course. Colonel Hogan had Carter go with him to the meeting. He wanted him to photograph the important people at the meeting.

I slipped into the civilian coat Carter wore to the meeting. It was a little scratchy, but what can you expect from a blanket? I had the perfect vantage point in which to view everything. When they got to the meeting, they found a test waiting for them. Herr Schneer, one of Herr Mayerink's people asked the question.

"I recall that you once had a hunting accident. Lost the tip of a thumb, I believe. Which thumb was that, Herr Strasser, the right or the left?"

My tail started twitching rapidly. It's what happens when I'm nervous. Until then, Carter didn't know I was in his pocket. When he felt my tail twitching; he started to sweat. If they saw me, we would all be done for. Luckily, Colonel Hogan bypassed the question.

"You have an excellent memory, Herr Schneer, excellent. But thanks to some fine German surgery you can't really tell which can you?" Colonel Hogan held up his perfect thumbs. I clapped my paws. Colonel Hogan is so smart. I knew he would think of some way to pass that question. What I don't understand is why anyone would want to go hunting. It is very dangerous. I do not believe Colonel Hogan goes hunting. Very wise of him, I should think.

They delivered the false information and Carter got his pictures. Everything was going very well until we found out not even Herr Mayerink knew who Strasser's contact was. Only with permission from a man called Herr Keppelmann in Berlin would Strasser be allowed to tell. Since Colonel Hogan was not the real Strasser, that put a hole in our plan. So now we had to figure out a way to get Strasser to tell us who his contact was. If we didn't find out, his contact in London would still be able to give the Germans information. With how much information Strasser knew, we couldn't take the chance.

Hogan decided he was going to take Strasser to Berlin and get him to talk. Now Colonel Hogan has had some strange ideas, but this sure beat all. He already had successfully completed at least four missions. I thought they should just take what they could get and not throw a fit. That's what my mother always says. We mice invented the saying. It was first used in reference to the crumbs we found around our humans table. Take what we found and be satisfied. But Colonel Hogan apparently does not know that saying. Tis a pity.

He devised a plan to make Strasser believe he was in Berlin. He is very clever, our colonel. He got him out of the cooler (luring Schultz away with strudel) and put him in a truck. He gave him some coffee that was drugged so he would fall asleep. Meanwhile outside, Newkirk and a few other fellas, had the truck on barrels and were rocking the truck so it would appear as if they were traveling.

"Berlin's just a state of mind. You don't really have to be there, you just have to think you are," Newkirk explained to Lieutenant Miller.

Newkirk-that devious fellow-made Strasser suffer through several unnecessary bumps. I know a few here and there are good, but these were excessive.

They had converted Klink's office to look like an office in Berlin. Their plan was to make Strasser think Carter was Hitler so he would reveal the contact. I have to say, the only time Carter scares me is when he is playing Hitler or another Nazi. He is a wonderful actor. Worthy of an Oscar I should think. He looks like Hitler, too. Minus the moustache, of course. But that is easily remedied with a fake one. He can imitate his walk and everything. He combs his hair down like Hitler, applies the moustache and he's all ready.

Colonel Hogan brought Strasser to "Hitler's office". Newkirk sat at the desk as Carter's secretary. I snuck under the desk and watched the show. It was better than a movie.

"Where are we?" Strasser asked Colonel Hogan. Colonel Hogan had disguised himself as Herr Mayerink.

"At the summer place."

"Whose summer place?" In response to Strasser's question "Hitler" opened the door to the office and then slammed it shut. Strasser bolted from his seat and stuttered something. I grinned. Colonel Hogan's plan was working.

"He asked to see you personally," Colonel Hogan said.

Newkirk came out with Carter's screaming following him.

"One moment." Newkirk took out some sugar pills and quickly swallowed some. "He's not too happy with the information. He's still convinced the attack will come from the South 'cause that is what the Gypsy astrologer told him."

You know, Newkirk is a very good actor himself. After the war, he should be in the movies with Carter. In a supporting role, of course. Carter will play the lead. Oh, do excuse me. I'll continue on with the story.

"He must listen to us," said Colonel Hogan.

"Do you have any proof? Where did you get your information?"

Strasser was about to reveal all, but Colonel Hogan stopped him.

"Don't tell him." He turned back to Newkirk. "You know he cannot reveal his contact unless Herr Kepelmann is here."

"You mean you want me to go in and tell him he will talk to Herr Kepelmann but not him?"

Strasser sputtered. "B-b-but."

"And that's final no matter what," Colonel Hogan said firmly.

Newkirk hesitantly went back into the office. Shouting and stomping quickly commenced. The ruckus brought Schultz to the office. Colonel Hogan quickly shoved Schultz back out the door. He explained to Schultz that he saw him break out of the cooler. Strasser, he explained is very sick. He wanted the furniture arranged because he was convinced Hitler was in the next room. He asked Schultz for a few more minutes to calm him down. Calm him down! More like make him scared enough to reveal the name of his contact.

Carter slammed the door of Klink's office while shouting at Newkirk. Newkirk told them that there had been quite a few shootings lately. It was because Hitler had found out about some affair with Eva. He had shot two at dinner.

"Around here, everything happens in threes."

That really scared Strasser. By the time Schultz had come to take Strasser away, he was more than willing to reveal who his contact was. It was a man named Medwin. He was the undersecretary of the Allied war council. As soon a he gave us the name, Hogan told Schultz to take him away. He unbuttoned his coat to reveal the American uniform underneath. They expression on Strausser's face was very funny. When they led him back to the cooler, he looked so dejected. As if he had given up. I almost felt sorry for him. Almost, but not quite.

They quickly relayed the information to London. But not before I did. I told my cousin who told his cousin and before you knew it everyone knew. My relatives in London paid a surprise visit to Medwin. I happen to know he has a few mysterious marks here and there. They look quite a bit like bite marks. Now who would do a thing like that? He also found that his clothes had a few holes. Nothing major, his pants did fall off during the arrest, but what is that? Nothing compared to the discomfort he felt during the trial.

Oh, and I personally visited Strasser in the cooler. He was quite cold in there for a while. I mean, more than a prisoner usually is. You know, blankets were torn into shreds; his underwear got so bad that he had to use newspaper to cover the holes. That sort of thing. We got him to London safely. A series of unfortunate events. I was all for him getting a little bumped and bruised on the way. But I'm only a mouse. I have no say.

Well, I must go now. I need to send my article into the _Rodent's Gazette._ I am a reporter with them. I have some of the most exciting stories. I have even been featured in the "Meet the reporters" section. It is not customary to have such a column, but no one but me has anything to contribute. Not even Himmler's barber's mouse. And you would think barbers would have all the latest gossip. We ran out of funny comics and jokes about Hitler and the Third Reich. It might be hard to believe-there are hundreds out there-but that just shows how desperate, I mean how big our newspaper is.

Until next time.

 _Au revoir-_

Felix Carter

P.S. Do you like my new French phrase? I learned some more from LeBeau.


	6. Chapter 6: Swing Shift

**This is for Katbybee. Thank you for the suggestion. I really love this episode. Why hadn't I thought of it? By the way, I'm still open for requests. I might do a few more. So keep them coming in. :)**

 _ **Chapter 6: Swing Shift**_

 _Hau!_ I'm Felix Carter and I'm back with another real-life adventure. Carter is teaching me Lakota. I am going to be quadrilingual! Is that the term? I'll have to ask my cousin. He's a walking dictionary. Actually, no, I will know five languages. Lakota, English, French, German, and Mouse. Though the last isn't too useful. Only a few mice still speak it. It's too archaic for them.

* * *

LeBeau was telling the fellas about some bird he met in France. Ah, France, the country of romance, fine art, and of course cheese. Oh cheese. Brie and camembert and Rocquefort; they are so soft and creamy. I love France's cheese. The birds I don't care about. I have a lovely girlmouse. She's beautiful. Long, blond fur and big brown eyes. Oh, she is a beauty!

Well, LeBeau told them her name was Michelle. I didn't care about her name. I'm sure she is a very beautiful girl; of that I can be sure. But I do wish LeBeau had told us about the cheeses he had eaten there. Carter seemed interested in Michelle.

"Michelle, why that's one of my favorite names."

Newkirk told Carter he'd start calling him that. I laughed when I heard that. Michelle is a girl's name. Even Michael is not close to Andrew or Carter. "M" is twelve letters away from "A" and ten away from "C". See? No similarities at all. Sometimes Newkirk really confuses me.

Anyways, LeBeau finished his story. He said the girl had spiked his drink and had stolen his wallet. Served him right, I think. He should have been sampling cheese instead of girls.

The men were disappointed with the conclusion of the story, Newkirk especially.

"You twister," he said. You know, I'm not exactly sure what that means. I'm sure it wasn't meant as a compliment, though. I was about to scamper off and ask one of my cousins, when I saw a General Burkhalter's car enter the camp. He got out with a fancy dressed civilian. Klink met them at the car and they went into his office. We thought Colonel Hogan would be interested in this, so we went to his office. He told us to get out the coffeepot. To listen in, not to make coffee. The last time we did that, Kinch got as close to mad as I've ever seen him.

In Klink's office, General Burkhalter told Klink about the civilian.

"Hans Speer is the leading man in Germany in converting factories to the production of war materials. He's the best."

Herr Speer told Klink he was very impressed with his no escape record. I laughed at that. Impressed with his record is right. With him? No. No one could be impressed with Klink. He acts like a bumbling idiot in front of the brass. Well, Herr Speer asked Klink for some guards to protect his factory. Klink protested. He said he was shorthanded. (It's because of all those guards deserting.) General Burkhalter cut in.

"Klink, are you going to stand in the way of the war effort anymore than you already do?"

Klink shook his head quickly. "Of course not, Herr General."

"Then it's settled."

Colonel Hogan told Kinch to radio London for an airstrike. Unfortunately, London was too busy. They had other things to bomb first. Like a drugstore in Dusseldorf. Colonel Hogan raised his eyebrows when he heard that.

"Maybe somebody made a reservation," suggested Kinch.

As it so happened, that's exactly what it was. The Underground did make a reservation. The Germans were using the drugstore as front for a special lab. I heard it from my cousins. Like I have told you, we know about things before even the humans do.

Well, Colonel Hogan said they were just going to have to do the job themselves.

"Do you think we can do a job that big, Colonel?" asked LeBeau.

"How will we get into the factory?" put in Carter.

"What's the matter? Haven't any of you ever worked a swing shift before?" Colonel Hogan planned to get into that factory. LeBeau asked some fellows who worked at the factory for help with his car. They finally agreed and then we jumped them. They put up a pretty good fight. I had to bite a few of them to calm them down. It worked marvelously. They took the men's badges and work clothes.

When they got to the factory, Schultz was checking the men to make sure each man had their badge. He didn't even notice Colonel Hogan and the rest of them pass through. They went to the assembly line. It was their job to make sure none of the flak cannon barrels were defective. They reset the machine while Carter distracted the inspector. The machine started turning out plugged barrels. Oh, my human is so clever! He was the one who pointed it out to Colonel Hogan.

It turned out the badge Newkirk had made him a foreman. I thought Carter should have been made foreman. What does Newkirk know about flak cannon barrels?

Everything was going well until Schultz discovered us. Colonel Hogan managed to talk him out of turning us in. He said that Schultz would be in trouble for letting us escape.

"Schultz, we'll only be here for a couple of days."

That seemed to appease Schultz and he left. Carter came and told Colonel Hogan that the place was loaded with gunpowder. It would be easy to blow the place up. I beamed. My human knows exactly what he's talking about. He became really excited and started making exploding sounds. LeBeau nudged him to be quiet.

"One of the great pyromaniacs of our time," Colonel Hogan said. He is right. Carter is a master at his craft.

Just then Herr Speer came with an announcement. He said Muller, which Newkirk, would be going into the Wehrmacht. I was shocked. We all were. I watched as the guards led him away. I contemplated whether I should stay with Carter or go with Newkirk. I decided to go with Newkirk. He might need me. The German army is scary. Who knows? He might need me to give someone a nip or two.

When we arrived at the enrollment center, the medic said he was fit for the army. If he was breathing he was fit. They really are desperate for soldiers. Just when we thought things couldn't get any worse, Colonel Klink came to look for more guards. He picked some men including Newkirk. That really made my tail start to twitch. They had put him into a uniform when Herr Speer called. He asked for Muller (Newkirk) back. Apparently Colonel Hogan convinced Speer Muller was essential for the factory. As soon as we got back to the factory, Carter had everything wired to blow. It was et to blow at the factories whistle. We left the factory in a hurry.

That night it blew up. You should have seen my human's face. It was worth the trouble I went through to make sure they all stayed safe.

"Congratulations on a job well done," Colonel Hogan told Carter. I was very proud of him. He really is the best at his craft.

That night at roll call, Klink gave his boring and long no escape speech for some new prisoners. He said he had personally trained every guard himself. I guess he didn't notice Private Addison next to him. Addison made a good German. We should use him on some future jobs.

Anyways, I really must be going. I think I caught Newkirk's cold he faked during Klink's inspection. Who knew you could catch a fake cold? I already got fake German measles. It was bad enough catching the American kind. Well, I'm off to my bed. I think Carter cleaned it for me. He's so nice. And Newkirk gave me a piece of cheese. I'll eat that.

Until I write again.

Bye-

Felix Carter


End file.
